I was around 14 when I was caught in class for laughing about the word ‘hormones’ with a friend. The CBSE biology syllabus had a chapter on human organ systems, and we reached the endocrine system when we subsided into a fit of giggles. We were punished, (made to stand in class; not that bad after all,) and then asked to sit down by the end of the period. I think it was the first time I learnt that sex wasn’t something I could talk or think about openly.
All of my readers can relate to an incident like this, where someone somewhere told us that sex couldn’t be talked about. India’s desperate tussle with sex is well known to us; spoofs go viral everyday about it. There’s no one who personifies the struggle better than Sunny Leone; darling and devil of the Indian media (for all of its 4 second attention span). Currently starring in Kuch Kuch Locha Hai, (which appears to have Leone doing a double act where both her characters suffer from thigh cramps and Ram Kapoor from constipation,) the celebrity makes the news regularly for activities like pouting, currying favour with children, and flaunting her porn-star persona with pride. Just as Indians can’t stop loving and loathing the idea of her, so too it is with the idea of sex. One report suggests that India is ranked #5 in generating traffic for Pornhub, with Leone featuring topmost in search bars from Kashmir to Cochin. However, the same folk raising stiff salutes to Leone in private are quick to express disgust with her antics in public.
So you see, India can’t deal with sex currently. Unfortunately, we can’t close our eyes and pretend sex doesn’t happen, either. We have rapes to tell us otherwise! India knows all about rape, having been crowned the rape capital of the world following the Nirbhaya case. We’ve also come up with our own ‘Indian’ way of handling these violent crimes, such as yoga and brother-zoning. But somehow, a few of us do not think these strategies are working out that well. A rape case is still being reported every 20 minutes in India. So how do we stop it? And how much do we know about rape? A conversation between Generic Indian Mother and her son will reveal more.
Generic Indian Mother: Beta, you look very sad. Don’t you like Mama’s gobi fry today?
Son: No, Mama. I was very sad because today in the news I read about Nirbhaya. Why do these things happen, Mama?
Generic Indian Mother: Uffo, no need to read about this rape-shape; reality is not good for you. Don’t worry, eat your gobi and be happy.
Son: But Mama how can anyone do that? Is it because they.. *glances at G.I.M, afraid* thought she was nice?
Generic Indian Mother: *Gasps* What is this nice you’re saying? What nice? Is there some girl you think is nice? Tell me now!
Son: No Mamma. I just want to know why it happened.
Generic Indian Mother: It is because these people can’t control themselves. They see these women wearing all these short-short clothings and then they can’t help it. Have you ever seen Mamma wear? No? See, nothing will happen to good women. These women are not like us; coming from good families. It can’t happen to us. Now eat gobi fry and say if you think anyone is nice.
G.I.M has a lot in common with Asaram Bapu and others who love their fair share of rape myths. However, research reveals that these well-meaning folk are wrong. Rape rarely occurs at the hands of a stranger in a dark alley. Of 24,923 rape cases registered in India during 2012, 24,470 of them were committed by someone known to the victim (98%). And the rape of a 72 year old nun this year shows that what you wear has never mattered. So if bad values and ‘short-short’ dresses aren’t the cause, what is? Simple: The need for power, anger, and misogyny. The three types of rapists are the power rapist, (the most common kind,) working under the need to control and dominate the victim, the anger rapist, motivated by resentment and hostility towards women, and the sadistic rapist, who derives sexual gratification from inflicting pain. Groth found that the first two overlap easily, whereas the third is incredibly rare, though the media would have you believe otherwise.
Wake up, India. Rape is motivated by misogyny; the same thing that forbids our women from entering temples when on their period, the same kind that makes it alright for a man to bear his nipples in public, but not a woman. Wherever we teach our children that men are different from, (and worse, better than) women, we teach them rape culture.
While we’re talking about what we teach our kids, let’s talk about what we’re not teaching our kids: sex education. My CBSE syllabus covered the reproductive system in 10th standard, (age 15) around three years after I’d hit puberty. We were taught about the reproductive function of sex, and that’s where the conversation ended. In India, 47% of girls are married before 18, and 28.5% of women report a first birth before 18, said a 2013 report. In such a country, where sex education is so critical, our government condemns it.
The school ground is where everything from sex-play to misogyny begins, and we need clarity on what should and shouldn’t be happening in these spaces. Children need to hear first-hand, from their parents and teachers, what sex is all about, with fulfilling dialogue regarding sexual health and contraception. Nobody is asking for a live demonstration, (those times parents are caught holding hands are scarring enough,) but if we want to work on rape and misogyny, this is where we start. Outsourcing sex-ed isn’t ideal, but if that’s what it takes, do it. Things like the Tea metaphor delineating sexual consent make it easier for anyone of an age to grasp. We need to stop demonizing sex-ed and start dealing with the fact that our children can and do become sexual beings with needs of their own, and sexual behaviour can be expected from them very shortly.
We need an India that acknowledges the fact that rape is a natural successor to deep-seated misogyny which, in its turn, is brought about by a society sharing a deeply convoluted relationship with its women. The only cure to this is age- appropriate sex education. Lastly, I appeal to all my readers: share this with someone who is bound to disagree. If you are nodding in assent and are looking fro the ‘share’ button, you already know these things, but many disagree. Tag people who do not know (and maybe,) do not want to, in the hopes that it will change their minds. I stand for an educated India that fights rape with all it has, where talking about sex at 14 (and earlier!) is okay. Do you?
Have you ever been made to feel like sex isn’t up for discussion with an authority figure? How would you broach sex-ed with (your) children in an appropriate manner? Comment and tell us more.
Next week: Where is Indian Parenting taking us? Look out, next Friday!
– Alaric Moras
The Social Llama 